Let’s Watch: Starchaser: The Legend of Orin (1985)
The most “we have Star Wars at home” film of all time
This Week’s Film:
“Don’t bother with the shields. That bot’s about to get a laser-enema.”
What They Say This Movie Is About:
Human slaves on a mining world suffer under the rule of Zygon until Orin, a plucky youngster, discovers the hilt of a mythical sword that only he can master. Escaping the world and heading out amongst the stars, he teams up with new friends to defeat Zygon and free his people.
What This Movie Is Actually About:
A whiny miner boy hates mining, finds a sword with no blade, and goes on the greatest knockoff Star Wars quest ever committed to film.
Why This Movie Is Actually Good:
The animation quality is considerably high for a film brazenly copying another IP. But that’s about all it has going for it.
Plot Points By Point, With The Gang:
The film opens on a planet named Trina, where humans have been enslaved for thousands of years, mining crystals day in and day out deep within the planet for some dude named Zygon (whom the humans believe is a god).
During one average day of mining, Orin, a whiny teenage miner, finds a sword. Orin’s girlfriend’s Grandpa Hopps (yes, this is the connection), who’s been mining for 70 years straight, recognizes it as a sword of great importance. But before Gramps can really explain what it is, one of Zygon’s robot guards kills Gramps for too much talking and not enough mining. And to think, he was one day away from retirement.
Later, Orin has a private moment with the sword, and out of the sword pops an image of an old man declaring that there’s actually a surface to this planet and an entire galaxy to explore. That’s all the old dude has to say before the blade itself disappears, and all that’s left is a hilt.
After Orin shares the message from the sword with Elan, they decide they’re gonna find out the truth about the surface. And just like clockwork, the robot guards show up, noticing these two are spending too much time talking and plotting, and not enough time mining.
A chase sequence ensues and Orin and Elan escape the mines, only to find a previously unseen industrial complex. Inside said complex is Zygon, who turns out to just be a dude using human slavery for wealth and power. To prevent the two from heading back and starting an uprising, Zygon easily kills Elan, and lunges at Orin. However, the sword hilt distracts him, giving Orin time to escape.
In his escape, Orin digs his way up to the surface of the planet, only to be rewarded with monsters and androids who wanna kill the crap out of him. However, Orin sorta kinda accidentally slices and dices his way through them and runs into another human, a smuggler named ̶H̶a̶n̶ Dagg Dibrimi.
Dagg nicknames Orin “Water Snake”. You know, that classic nickname for kids in the 80’s. “Look at all those water snakes just causing trouble at the mall”, we used to say back then.
Anway, Dagg’s here on the planet to steal some crystals from Zygon’s mining operation, and drags Orin with him. Their heist is successful, and as a bonus, includes the accidental acquisition of a feminine robot named ̶C̶-̶3̶P̶O Silica.
Within seconds of meeting him, Silica has absolutely none of Dagg’s misogynistic bullshit. Unfortunately for her, Dagg holds her over her lap, literally opens up her robo-butt and reprograms her to romantically pine for him. Meanwhile, some not-fairy named not-Navi appears and attaches itself to Orin. We’re in Ocarina of Time now, apparently. But more sexist.
Dagg takes his new crew aboard his starship, the Starchaser, and flies off to the planet Bordogon to sell his crystals. Upon arriving, he unceremoniously ditches Orin and drops off Silica at a slave auction.
Confused and bewildered at the sights around him, Orin wanders around town until he meets a fortune teller, who tells him to visit a place called Novaluna. After the visit, Orin spots Silica being auctioned off and bids for her freedom. However, Orin has never established that he has any money, or even knows what money is, which pisses off the auctioneer who tries taking Orin as payment. Dagg, seeing Orin’s selflessness and/or stupidity, decides to buy the freedom of both Orin and Silica.
So they all head off to visit two merchants in the desert to sell the crystals. However, the merchants are aware that Zygon put a price on Orin’s head, so they sneak a timebomb into Dagg’s payment for the crystals. The fairy from earlier, named Starfly, warns Orin about the bomb, just in time for him to yeet it out of the Starchaser and blow up the merchants.
As thanks for not dying, Dagg offers to take Orin to Novaluna, but before they can get going, they’re shot down by Zygon’s forces. Dagg is captured and Orin is flung from the ship in the process, but he’s eventually rescued by new character ̶P̶r̶i̶n̶c̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶L̶e̶i̶a̶ Aviana, the daughter of the Governor of Bordogon.
Orin recognizes Aviana as one of the bidders at the slave auction. As thanks for the rescue, Orin tells Aviana everything that’s happened in the movie so far. Aviana’s Amazon Echo (or computer, whatever) overhears the story and reveals that Orin’s sword hilt belonged to a group of legendary warriors who fought threats to humanity or whatever. Also, there’s clearly chemistry between these two. Romantic chemistry.
Convinced this is something worth pursuing, Aviana takes Orin back to the planet Trinia so he can face Zygon again. Except he loses. As it turns out, Zygon is actually a robot and one of the threats to humanity or whatever that the sword hilt owners used to fight or whatever. Whatever.
The main thing here is that Zygon is super duper ancient, is a robot, and enslaves humans to mine crystals so he can take over the universe. Zygon takes the sword hilt for himself and imprisons Orin and Aviana. Dagg, somehow, also wound up imprisoned here on the planet Trinia as well. During their captivity, Orin and Aviana admit they have the fee-fees for each other despite knowing each other for a matter of hours. Before they can make any foolish romantic decisions, Zygon decides to take Aviana with him as a hostage…for…something. Someone. Whatever. Starfly, deciding now’s a good time as any to be relevant to the plot again, steals the hilt from Zygon and gives it to Orin, who uses it to escape with Dagg. They board Zygon’s ship and take it over, and destroy Zygon’s fleet for good measure. Also, Silica is here, still thirsty for Dagg. Whatever.
Orin and the gang infiltrate Zygon’s headquarters, but are attacked for their efforts. Dagg and Silica stay behind to fight more of Zygon’s forces while Orin heads back to his people in the mines to tell them the truth. However, they all call bullshit, and Zygon arrives, resulting in one more fight between him and Orin. Orin almost gets yeeted into a chasm, but three more Starflys…Starflies…Starfliis…whatever…tell him he never needed the hilt and he’s a sword all in himself. Somehow this means he can use Star Wars magic to save himself from falling into the chasm, and slices Zygon in half, who falls into the chasm and fuggin dies. The people, finally seeing Zygon is dead now, revolt and win their freedom.
Elsewhere, Silica is still out there, existing, and accidentally presses a button that fires a laser into a cache of the mine crystals. Turns out they’re super combustible and explode, causing the mines to collapse, which forces all the miners to flee. Orin leads his people to the surface by making a fissure…somehow…whatever, and he also cures his brother of his blindness. Yes, he has a brother now. Whatever.
The plural Starfly coalition arrives and they reveal they’re the spirits of the defenders of humanity from Aviana’s computer’s explanation from earlier (good grief what a connection). For his heroism, the Starfly’s invite Orin to join them in eternity. Wanting to get frisky with Aviana instead, Orin refuses, so they all fuck off into the stars above.
The end!
Should You Watch This Film?
I mean, if you had some edibles or alcohol or some sort of mind altering substance, then sure, go for it. Otherwise, eh. You’re not missing anything substantial. And given the poor box office performance, neither did the rest of humanity.
Best Out Of Context Riff Of The Night:
A screenshot of the best out of context riff.
