Let’s Watch: Christmas With the Kranks
Jamie Lee Curtis chasing ham in a parking lot.
This week’s film: Look at us. We kind of look like uncooked chicken.
What They Say This Movie Is About: A 2004 comedy film directed by Joe Roth (no relation to Hostel director Eli Roth), starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis. The film follows Luther and Nora Krank, a couple opting to skip Christmas altogether since their daughter is away in the Peace Corps. However, she decides to come home, so they scramble to pull off a Christmas miracle and celebrate at the very last second.
What This Movie is Actually About: Fickle Boomers suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome fake everything about their lives to please everyone but themselves.
Why This Movie is Actually Good: It isn’t. Even with Dan Aakroyd channeling his best Chicago accent, nothing can redeem this pro-capitalist pro-conformity pro-suburbanite pro-homage to everything that sucks about upper-middle-class America, portrayed as something to celebrate about being an upper-middle-class American. However, one of my favorite follows on Twitter, Wyatt Duncan, regularly visits this movie every November. He creates a bunch of memes, and edits a customized video/trailer featuring the film. This year he chose the trailer of The Matrix: Resurrections.
Plot Points by Point, With the Gang:
Before the movie even begins, we’re unfortunately missing contributors Henry, Holly, and Kevin. Sometimes, real life just gets in the way and that’s how life is. But that doesn’t stop us from riffing. Luke just fires one off based on reading the synopsis alone:
The movie opens to Luther (Allen) and Nora (Curtis) laying in bed, mentally preparing to see off their daughter Blair at the airport on Thanksgiving while The Raveonettes play in the background. At the airport, Blair reminds them that she’s committed to the Peace Corps and that while she’ll miss this year’s Christmas, there’s always next year. As Luther refuses to show emotions, Blair leaves for her flight. They drive from the O’Hare Airport towards Chicago, depressed that their Millennial daughter has effectively canceled Christmas. This movie marks the first such cancellation in our culture; an opening salvo in The War on Christmas (now the longest running war in America with the end of the Afghanistan conflict).
Later, on what must be the only shopping street in Chicago, it’s raining absolute buckets of water outside, and Nora insists that Luther enter a grocery store to pick up some items. He refuses on the grounds that he has no umbrella. Losing the argument, he does the worst thing a masculine man can do: get wet in the rain. Returning to the car, he forgets something, heads back to the store, and the overhang collapses, dumping approximately 50 gallons of water on Tim Allen. Realistic.
As Luther admits defeat to the water, a picture of a Caribbean Cruise Lines vacation in a nearby Travel Agency gets him thinking — if they’re not going to celebrate Christmas with their daughter, why celebrate at all?
The next day, Luther heads into “the office” or “the firm” or “wherever the fuck he works” and hand-calculates multiple expenses, while ignoring the computer at his desk that could do his entire job in a spreadsheet in 1/1000th of the time. But hey, Luther’s the kind of boomer who “doesn’t get computers”, okay? Because the truth of it is, if he automated this part of his job, he wouldn’t have a job.
As it turns out, he’s not working at all, but calculating his expenses for Christmas from last year. Luther reveals during dinner with Nora that they spent over $6,000 in Christmas expenses last year, and that a trip to the Bahamas would cost only $3,000. All while subtly leading Nora on that they’re going to umm…have sex, right there in the dining room. They agree to skip Christmas this year and celebrate with sex anyway.
The next work day, Luther begins composing his big bold “I don’t actually hate you all, I’m just not doing Christmas, and here’s all the things I’m not participating in, as a reminder of what I’m not doing while you all do said Christmas things.” letter to his coworkers. Naturally, he reads it aloud as he types it, prints it off, and hand-delivers it to every single person in the office/firm/wherever-the-fuck-he-works. Because why bother e-mailing it, right? Just let people know face-to-face while you grin, how you want nothing to do with them.
Back at the singular shopping street in Chicago, Nora is accosted by her Christmas card vendor, Aubie, whom she has to admit she’s not buying from this year. And at a scheduled lunch with colleagues from the Salvation Army, Aubie interrupts the lunch practically begging for an explanation in front of everyone. As Erik points out in the chat, Aubie is clearly down bad this year, as her order must provide a lot of his income.
Nora explains to her colleagues that she’s skipping Christmas, which is the most foreign concept in this cinematic universe. “How does one…skip Christmas?”
Luther returns home and the Boy Scouts are trying to sell a 10 foot tall Canadian Blue Spruce Christmas Tree. As Luther straight up denies these children of a sale, they give their best disappointed faces and the Scout Master angrily flops the tree over and drags it back to the truck.
The Scout Master informs Vic Frohmeyer (Aakroyd), who is clearly the judgiest and most influential person in this subdivision, of Luther’s obvious crimes to the neighborhood. Later in the evening, on what appears to be the most unnaturally well-lit evening in a suburb, Vic makes a rather conformist appeal to Luther on the values of upholding Christmas despite Blair being gone. “Somehow, it just doesn’t seem right. A lot of neighbors are pretty upset. Everybody decorates, bakes cookies…” Clearly Luther is forgetting the rules of living in suburbia — you do what everyone else does to make each other happy.
Vic reminds Luther that tomorrow is the official day that the neighbors all put up their Frosty the Snowman statue and leaves. Luther outright refuses, which causes a micro-uproar. And at this point, we’re all asking, what’s the problem? This costs you literally no money to do this! You already have the statue, who cares if you skip having a Christmas celebration? But Luther is steadfast, and walks towards his car, stepping on his neighbor’s cat, who yelps and runs away.
Oh Tim Allen, you foolish, foolish man. Hurting a cat is a mortal sin ‘round these parts. As his elderly neighbor Walt accosts him for skipping Christmas, the cat hisses at Luther, who…hisses right back.
Luther enters the office and everyone insults him, calling him “Scrooge”. As he settles in, Nora calls from the house as the neighbors have rallied around the front yard, demanding that Frosty be put up. They even offer to put Frosty up for the Kranks! Again, literally zero negative financial consequences from this! Luther holds the line and insists he and Nora tough it out, and he asks Nora to simply leave the house and drive away.
But man, all that judging by your neighbors….oof. Vic chases Nora and holds the driver’s side window down and begs her to stop the car. Instead, she closes the window, crushing his fingers until he lets go! Now she’s just injuring her neighbors.
Nora and Luther argue at a St. Patrick’s Themed bar that is also celebrating Christmas, and Luther reveals he bought a bikini for Nora.
…I seriously can’t believe I typed this. What the hell is this movie.
Luther shows off a blue speedo that he also bought, and Heather immediately begs the movie to relieve us of the upcoming suffering.
Unfortunately, this movie will not offer such a reprieve. But for you, dear reader, I will not subject your eyes, for our own eyes are already unclean. I will do my best to keep yours pure, and free of Tim Allen’s fake cock bulge.
Nora and Luther visit a tanning salon at the local mall, talking with an obviously-overtanned receptionist (for a cheap laugh, which is all the humor is in this movie). Quick cut to Nora bemoaning her figure in the mirror while wearing the bikini, as she hops into the tanning bed. But hey, this is a comedy, so some rando guy just opens the door hoping to get a sneak peek, and frightens Nora who bumps her head on the ceiling of the tanning bed and somehow starts bleeding. She returns to the front desk to get a band-aid and low and behold, the local priest is here at the mall, surprised to see Nora Krank!
As Nora tries to explain to Father Polish-Last-Name that she’s okay despite bleeding and wearing a bikini in front of him, he expresses concern that they’re skipping Christmas. And sure enough, out trots Luther, orange from his tan and wearing a blue speedo, with an obvious banana in that hammock. That or Tim Allen is suffering from an especially large hernia rupture in his scrotum, which he should get checked out immediately.
Back at home the next morning, Luther and Nora read the local newspaper, seeing that they’ve made the “front page” for skipping Christmas. Nora reads through the article, shocked as we are that this scene even exists.
Later in the day, Luther steps on the cat again as he accuses Walt of snooping on his house, trying to discover the location of their Frosty statue. Nora interrupts their squabble, asking about his wife Bev who is suffering from cancer.
And later still that evening, two cops arrive at the Krank’s front door, asking Luther to buy a calendar of cops posing for the upcoming year. Luther insists he didn’t need a calendar this year, in a rare (and positive) moment of telling the cops to buzz off.
The cops lament to neighbor Walt that the Kranks refused to buy a calendar of their unsexy bodies. As they leave, a truck full of carolers drive past, and stop to ask Walt about this decoration-less house across the street. In a bid to exact revenge on his cat-abusive neighbor, Walt fills the carolers in on the whole thing, so they respond by aggressively singing Jingle Bells at the Kranks front door, with the entire neighborhood joining them.
Rae asks if we’re supposed to like Tim Allen’s character, and I lay it out real honest-like for everyone — this behavior is exactly how Tim is in Home Improvement, Last Man Standing, and just about anything else he’s in. He’s just a simple guy who likes sensible, manly things, like power tools and sports cars and doing things his way. But the world around him, it just keeps changing! Now there’s 50 genders where there used to be two, and this man just wants to enjoy his beer and football in peace! That’s just his thing!
Anyway, back to the movie. Luther decides to actively attack anyone who dares to approach the house by spraying water all over the sidewalk, freezing it as well as Walt’s cat. WTF does he have against this cat? As for the people who actually slip on the ice? Yes, the carolers do, as does Nora who confusedly tries to help them, but also a USPS Mailman. Jackass move, Tim Allen.
Some unknown time later, Nora is reading “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” to the children’s wing of the local hospital. But why? What makes it okay to read this but still skip Christmas? Anyway, Luther arrives in the Children’s wing admiring himself in a mirror, and they go off to eat lunch together at the hospital cafeteria. However, Luther’s having difficulty because he was at the hospital for an outpatient Botox treatment, and his face is too numb to eat or drink.
Tim Allen slobbers all over himself in the presence of Jamie Lee Curtis in an attempt to be humorous, aaand the scene is over.
Back at home, Luther and Nora are packing for the trip and are making out, because why not. But the phone rings, with kids on the other line demanding that Frosty be freed and placed outside as decoration. The phone rings a few more times, but one last time it’s Blair on the phone, revealing that she’s coming home for Christmas after all! With her boyfriend from Peru named Enrique! Whom she’s marrying! And in a perfect maneuver of pleasing everyone but themselves, Nora assures Blair that the annual Christmas party is still on and that they’ll have a big celebration when she gets home.
Luther is clearly distraught as he didn’t buy travel insurance, and they’re now out $3,000, but too bad. Nora is 100000% against skipping Christmas because now she’s no longer sad that she won’t be seeing her daughter. So now we move into the next phase of the movie, trying to make a Christmas miracle happen.
Luther returns to the Boy Scouts for a tree and all that’s left is a completely bare, maybe-10-needles-on-the-whole-thing Christmas tree for $75. He buys it, brings it home, and throws it on the side of the yard in defeat. So…why buy it in the first place? Why not buy a fake tree?
He then goes across the road to the only black family on the block and asks if he can borrow their tree. Luther makes his appeal and convinces the Dad to let him borrow the tree for the night while they leave to stay at their in-laws. Then, Luther tackles Spike, the kid who’s been prank calling his house for the Frosty statue, and asks him to help him borrow the tree. And as they borrow this tree, the cops come by and arrest Luther for breaking and entering. Classic believable comedy premises, people.
Meanwhile, Nora races to an entirely different grocery store (somehow not on the only shopping street in Chicago) looking for a Hickory Honey Ham, Blair’s favorite Christmas meal. She spots one remaining ham and loses it in a race to another Mom.
Pitifully, at the checkout, Nora bribes another family for their ham, which she promptly drops in the parking lot as it rolls down the lot into the road, and is squashed by a semi truck.
As we all contemplate this clear lack of communication between parents and their child, the scene changes to Luther struggling, and failing, to put up the Frosty statue on top of his poorly-shingled roof. He falls and nearly dies, while the neighborhood watches. Finally, truly defeated, Luther and Nora spill what’s actually going on, why they’re trying to skip Christmas, and all the other needless bullshit that’s happened over the past 65 minutes.
As the clock winds down to Blair’s arrival, Vic rallies the entire neighborhood, cops and all, to pull off a Christmas miracle. The cops are sent off to pick up Blair, who offer to pick her and her boyfriend up, and stall them by going on patrol, and also happen to catch a criminal in the act of stealing a VCR. Because all of this is necessary.
Are you having as much fun as we are keeping track of all these situations going on? Because hoo boy. This film does not know what it really wants to do in the name of comedy. Or pacing. Or anything. Things just happen to keep the runtime going.
The cops arrive with Blair, Enrique, and the criminal in tow, and leave the criminal outside in the car with a window open as everyone celebrates Christmas. For some reason (plot, I guess?), Spike lets the criminal go free, who promptly raids the house for jewelry.
But whatever! Blair is here, yay! Enrique is here, yay I guess! And the illusion of Christmas because Luther and Nora can’t communicate their needs properly and simply conform to the wishes and desires of their subdivision is safely preserved!
And it’s cool, because Dan Aakroyd breaks out a nice shiny accordion (which he admits in an interview is a nod to John Candy).
Luther gives a half-assed toast to all his neighbors for this feat, and sulks in the dining room, drinking champagne alone. And honestly, for all the stress brought on by the past 30 minutes of this film, I can sympathize just this once. Luther attempts one last time to make a plea to Nora for them to go on the vacation, and little has he realized, Nora is far too deep into the miracle of pulling off this party. “Haven’t you thought of putting others first before yourself?” Which is just so ironic, given what hell they put everyone through because they can’t communicate with their daughter.
Luther notices that Walt and Bev are not attending their party, but eating alone on Christmas Eve across the street. He brings over a Hickory Honey Ham, which they can’t eat, which he insists they take anyway. Heading back to the house, he sees how happy Nora and Blair are, and heads back to Walt’s house, offering them the Caribbean vacation package, and offers to sort things out with logistics so that Walt and his wife can go.
And despite their multiple protests, like the fact that Bev is fighting cancer and her doctor would likely not approve her traveling with all the chemo treatment and what not, Luther insists. She literally cannot go. But Luther says it’s a “sincere, no-strings attached gift for two people looking for an excuse to do otherwise”. So with that added insult, and even offering to watch the cat that he keeps abusing, they begrudgingly accept and plan to leave for the cruise come Christmas morning.
Walt thanks Luther, they share one last round of insults, the criminal gets caught stealing and gets arrested again, and the movie ends with Luther and Nora admiring their now compliant-Christmas-riddled house, complete with a zoomout of the subdivision, and what’s this? We have a CGI budget for this film!? The entire CGI budget gets blown on a waving Frosty statue, and a blue VW beetle being pulled in the sky by some reindeer, because…The End.
Should You Watch This Film:
Are you looking for a Christmas movie so bad it’s good? You won’t find it here. It’s just bad. This movie will bore you. It will disappoint you with the level of totally acceptable, talented actors in it. It will pound you repeatedly on the noggin to CONSUME CHRISTMAS PRODUCTS because you’ll otherwise be negatively judged for it.
Best Out of Context Riff of the Night:
